For most of us, becoming a mom fundamentally changed the way we feel about almost everything. We experience love and joy in a way that we didn’t before; we’re emotionally invested in everything our kids do, big and small; we cry more readily and laugh more heartily; we think more carefully about the impact of our actions; we worry about the future in new ways.
Yeah, that’s not what I’m talking about right now.
When I say that being a mom has made me feel some strange and unexpected things, I mean that in the nearly five years since a tiny human being emerged from my body, I have both physically and emotionally felt some weird and wild stuff. These are physical sensations that I never would have experienced pre-child and strange psychological reactions to things that wouldn’t have previously made me bat an eye.
- The shiver down my spine when I wake up in the middle of the night to see a child standing eight inches from my face, motionless, staring at me.
- The thrilling rush of endorphins when I go to Target by myself. Freeedommmmm!
- The superhuman hearing that allows me to determine, from three rooms away, whether my child is up to no good behind closed doors.
- The cold mushiness from reaching my hand into my purse only to have it emerge covered in old banana from a peel that somebody stashed in there. And perhaps more disturbingly, the lack of any disgust – and maybe even some relief – on my part, since at least it’s not poo.
- The gentle drag of my sad, saggy post-baby boobs and stomach, which leads me to…
- The comforting, snug support of the shapewear that is built into or layered under nearly every single outfit that I wear (thank you Spanx and knock-offs everywhere).
- The giddy sense of superiority from convincing (okay, tricking) my picky eater into ingesting anything that is not bread, pasta, or cheese.
- That cathartic, calming sensation of using the Nose Frida to suck an unexpectedly hearty blob of snot out from a baby’s plugged-up nose (seriously, try it).
- The surprisingly effective relief that comes from having two kids walk on my back to work out the knots. Who needs a spa day when you can save money, get an effective massage, and simultaneously occupy two small humans from the immobile comfort of your floor? (I may be crossing into crazy lady territory now.)
Oh, how the times have changed.